I think I just saw someone hide a body.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
