Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
