i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Pants are for mortals
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
