Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Use "feeling words"
Yay
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
