I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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