it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
