Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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