I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize