Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
