Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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