You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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