The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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