I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize