I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
