he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
