And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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