spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
