The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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