I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
