oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
