sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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