In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
