Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
