I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
