So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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