I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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