Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Randomize
