he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
