oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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