Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
