come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
