I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
