Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
