i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
