wakey wakey hands off snakey
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
