A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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