Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
