Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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