last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I deserve this hangover.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
