hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
