I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
