you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
