you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
