I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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