woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize