I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am naked and annoyed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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