I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
