WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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