Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Your cock deserves a montage
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
