AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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