This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
