He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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