We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
