Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
