Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
