I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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