If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
