I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
