It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
