its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
